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Give us this day our daily joke...

Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin"


When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied
''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That poor spider never knew what hit it.
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays." :D
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Boom Boom :p
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Ok here's another cringing one :D

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Time to get this old favourite going again :)

“So, Jimmy”, said Grandad, as they stood on line at the local grocery store. ”What did you learn in school today?” ”To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”. ”My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!” Jimmy replied.

“Ah, ethics” responded Grandad, “very important indeed”. ”Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Granny!”
 
saltire

saltire

New Member
What about some xmas jokes?

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

Boom :D
 

MrsDev

New Member
I'm no good at jokes. I either find them hilarious or I just don't get it.

I've had a laugh at some of the ones above.

As for telling them, I'm no good either but I've pinched this from elsewhere.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?






Because of all the wrapping!
 
B

Bakersbelief

New Member
I have a dark sense of humour. This is one of my favourite jokes, makes me chuckle every time.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?

Is that you coughin'?
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. 'Well' said the clergyman 'I guess there's no point in having a service today.' 'Well that's not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.' :D
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

BOOM! :p
 
saltire

saltire

New Member
These jokes are terrible!

Here's a clever one: A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
 

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