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Give us this day our daily joke...

saltire

saltire

New Member
images
 

MrsDev

New Member
I'm no good at jokes. I either find them hilarious or I just don't get it.

I've had a laugh at some of the ones above.

As for telling them, I'm no good either but I've pinched this from elsewhere.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?






Because of all the wrapping!
 
B

Bakersbelief

New Member
I have a dark sense of humour. This is one of my favourite jokes, makes me chuckle every time.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?

Is that you coughin'?
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. 'Well' said the clergyman 'I guess there's no point in having a service today.' 'Well that's not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.' :D
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

BOOM! :p
 
saltire

saltire

New Member
These jokes are terrible!

Here's a clever one: A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough. :D
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY BREAKING NEWS: Amanda Knox linked with move to Italy.
 
saltire

saltire

New Member
TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY BREAKING NEWS: Amanda Knox linked with move to Italy.

Ouch - a bit near the bone :p

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to an Edinburgh bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the £5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a cheque and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Edinburgh for two weeks and pay only £15.40?"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
All Is Fair In Business
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE' ;)
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Thought it was about time we added to this :p

What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?

Aye Matey!

;)
 
MapleTree

MapleTree

New Member
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

:D
 
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