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Give us this day our daily joke...

amestaper

amestaper

New Member
The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upsta irs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1.
Death

2.
Taxes

3.
Being screwed by a lawyer
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A ventriloquist is touring his act, he starts to go through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes, its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected!" The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, "You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little b**tard on your knee!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!" :p
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A doctor had his students in an anatomy class where they were dissecting a body. The doctor said "Rule 1 - Don't be repulsed by anything in the human body." So he stuck his finger up the corpse's ass, pulled his finger out and sucked it! Then he told the students to do the same. After hesitating, they stuck their finger up and sucked it! 5 of the students were then sick. The doctor said "I used my middle finger & sucked my thumb... Rule 2 - Pay attention!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A man is cupping his hands to scoop water from a Highland burn.
Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon waater, it's foo o' coo's keech and pish!"
Man replies "My good fellow, Im English. Repeat that in English!"
Gamekeeper replies "I said, use both hands - You get more that way!"
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here."
"Yeah no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends"
"Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
"Monday."
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Piers Morgan on Twitter "Good morning all, Has Harry Redknapp been made England Manager yet? If not why not?"

I don't know either Piers, but if only there was some way I could listen in on his phone conversations to find out why...
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Mancini's men win the Premier League.

Well paid, City. Well paid.
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin"


When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied
''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That poor spider never knew what hit it.
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays." :D
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Boom Boom :p
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Ok here's another cringing one :D

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Time to get this old favourite going again :)

“So, Jimmy”, said Grandad, as they stood on line at the local grocery store. ”What did you learn in school today?” ”To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”. ”My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!” Jimmy replied.

“Ah, ethics” responded Grandad, “very important indeed”. ”Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Granny!”
 
saltire

saltire

New Member
What about some xmas jokes?

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

Boom :D
 
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