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Give us this day our daily joke...

amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Long ago when sailing ships ruled the ocean waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. The crew became frantic and the captain screamed to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were another two pirate vessels headed their way. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain as calm as ever, yelled "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, but this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a young sailor looked at the captain and asked: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The captain said "If I am ever wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my brown trousers!"
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Ok its time for your favourite christmas joke. Here is one of mine.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
:D
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Another christmas joke :D

Please take notice of new Health and Safety

Regulations for singing of festive songs.



Little Jesus sweetly sleep:
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and
be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Jingle Bells:
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched:
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools
and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested
that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that
they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated
shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey:
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note
that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being
labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings:
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route
and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines
from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of
Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three
kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels
hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer:
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to spoil your day. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and doesn't care about you tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty, You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further, I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said "Who f*cked up your hair?"
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk..
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

>>>
>>
>>>
>>>

'Look Paddy.....
there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
As a lorry driver somewhere in cold icy Britain stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and knocks on the door. The guy lowers the window, and she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the lorry
cab door. The driver lowers the window again she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!

When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and
runs back to the blonde

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.......

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm gritting the road."





I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day? :001_tt2:
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Sat down in a public toilet today & a voice came from the next cubicle "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange, but didnt want to be rude, so I said "Not too bad. Thanks."
After a short pause I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
I answered somewhat reluctantly "Just taking a quick dump ...how about yourself?"
Then I heard him say "Sorry mate. I'll have to call you back. Ive got some tw*t in the next cubicle answering everything I say!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Thought I would give this a wee boost again :p

Actual Classified Ads

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upsta irs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1.
Death

2.
Taxes

3.
Being screwed by a lawyer
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A ventriloquist is touring his act, he starts to go through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes, its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected!" The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, "You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little b**tard on your knee!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!" :p
 
N

Negotiate Now

New Member
There were three men on a plane, a Scotsman, a Japanese man and an American. They were all businessmen. The Japanese one said "Here is my latest Japanese i-phone, this does everything, it even takes x-rays". Not to be outdone the American said, "And this is our latest invention, a camera which takes see-through pictures of someone sitting behind someone else". The Scotsman stood up and said, "Excuse me, I'm off to send a fax".
Discount cards and Vouchers for discounts on goods and services
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A doctor had his students in an anatomy class where they were dissecting a body. The doctor said "Rule 1 - Don't be repulsed by anything in the human body." So he stuck his finger up the corpse's ass, pulled his finger out and sucked it! Then he told the students to do the same. After hesitating, they stuck their finger up and sucked it! 5 of the students were then sick. The doctor said "I used my middle finger & sucked my thumb... Rule 2 - Pay attention!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
A man is cupping his hands to scoop water from a Highland burn.
Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon waater, it's foo o' coo's keech and pish!"
Man replies "My good fellow, Im English. Repeat that in English!"
Gamekeeper replies "I said, use both hands - You get more that way!"
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here."
"Yeah no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends"
"Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
"Monday."
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Piers Morgan on Twitter "Good morning all, Has Harry Redknapp been made England Manager yet? If not why not?"

I don't know either Piers, but if only there was some way I could listen in on his phone conversations to find out why...
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Mancini's men win the Premier League.

Well paid, City. Well paid.
 

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