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Give us this day our daily joke...

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Dizzydiza

New Member
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to >insert town here<.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.



The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.


When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'


One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!' :001_rolleyes:
 
Power Lunch Club

Power Lunch Club

New Member
The librarian in our village died so i went to the funeral, we had a minutes noise for her.
 
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Dizzydiza

New Member
Economics Lesson

Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he
Drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer
Said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paddy said, "Ok, then,
Just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?"
Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Paddy said,
"Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened
With that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece
And made a profit of £898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back."



Paddy now works as a personal advisor to Gordon Brown in the Treasury
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Irish maths test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Just want to share this poem that was sent to me in an email. Five years ago I would have laughed at it but these days I seem to suffer more and more as my forgetter is getting better :001_rolleyes:

Forgetter Be Forgotten?
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke


For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.


Most of the above is happening on a daily basis for me now :blushing:
 
M

Murray

New Member
short but quite amusing none the less! its Friday!!

i was walking to work this evening and i seen a guy in an RAC van just sitting crying uncontrolably and i thought to myself....he is heading for a breakdown
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

:p
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
A caller dials the operator: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack? The operator says I’m sorry, sir, I do not understand. The caller continues, on page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. “Now, can you give the number for Jack?
 
Power Lunch Club

Power Lunch Club

New Member
13 Reasons to smile...

13 REASONS TO SMILE

  1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
  4. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
  5. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss UK?
  6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
  7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
  8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
  10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
  12. Car sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
  13. I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes
 
Power Lunch Club

Power Lunch Club

New Member
Here is an actual sign posted at a The Old Course Golf and Country Club in St Andrews.:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Halloween is coming!


A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the
street toward him.
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home,
the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
>
>
>
> FASTER...
>
>
>
> FASTER...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.
>
>
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping.
>
>
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
>
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
>
>
> clappity-BUMP ...
>
>
>
the terrified man runs.
>
>
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps.
>
> With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


> Bumping and clapping toward him.
>
>
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can
find is a bottle of cough syrup!
>
>
>
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
>
>
>
>
>
and,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
THE COFFIN STOPS :D
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train travelling through Europe. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an older style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his bright red face as he had just been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
.
.
.
The Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and skelp that English guy again.'
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Long ago when sailing ships ruled the ocean waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. The crew became frantic and the captain screamed to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were another two pirate vessels headed their way. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain as calm as ever, yelled "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, but this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a young sailor looked at the captain and asked: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The captain said "If I am ever wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my brown trousers!"
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Ok its time for your favourite christmas joke. Here is one of mine.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
:D
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
Another christmas joke :D

Please take notice of new Health and Safety

Regulations for singing of festive songs.



Little Jesus sweetly sleep:
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and
be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Jingle Bells:
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched:
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools
and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested
that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that
they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated
shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey:
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note
that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being
labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings:
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route
and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines
from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of
Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three
kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels
hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer:
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to spoil your day. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and doesn't care about you tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty, You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further, I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said "Who f*cked up your hair?"
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk..
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

>>>
>>
>>>
>>>

'Look Paddy.....
there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
 
D

Dizzydiza

New Member
As a lorry driver somewhere in cold icy Britain stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and knocks on the door. The guy lowers the window, and she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the lorry
cab door. The driver lowers the window again she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!

When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and
runs back to the blonde

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.......

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm gritting the road."





I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day? :001_tt2:
 
amestaper

amestaper

New Member
Sat down in a public toilet today & a voice came from the next cubicle "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange, but didnt want to be rude, so I said "Not too bad. Thanks."
After a short pause I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
I answered somewhat reluctantly "Just taking a quick dump ...how about yourself?"
Then I heard him say "Sorry mate. I'll have to call you back. Ive got some tw*t in the next cubicle answering everything I say!"
 
Scottish Business Owner

Scottish Business Owner

New Member
Thought I would give this a wee boost again :p

Actual Classified Ads

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
 
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