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Give us this day our daily joke...

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I am always getting sent jokes on email...some good...and its important to stay happy in I thought I would start this thread that everyone could contribute to...and get a daily chuckle on SBF

Enjoy my couple of contributions to start it off....


I had shower one day and as I was finishing up and my wife got in, then the doorbell rings. I quickly wrapped myself in a towel and went to the door. I ran downstairs. When I opened the door, there stands Angela, the next-door neighbour.

Before I say a word, Angela says, "I'll give you
Scottish Business Owner

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How about this? Made me laugh anyway :p

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"


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A wee word of warning...

Last weekend I saw something at the shops that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 6th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my other half. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat on my couch, my son looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping him (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a sweet boy. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, my son looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS [email protected][email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!!!

I'm pretty sure a tag wrestler came through the door, picked me up and the couch, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. My son was standing over me making chortling sounds I had never heard before, rubbing my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again, daddy!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),collected my wits (what little I had left),sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 100 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
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Why men are not agony aunts!!

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

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I was on Countdown and as Carol Vorderman dealt out the letters I got aroused. Unfortunately, my opponent had a nine-letter word.
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If You Laugh At This...You Are Clearly A Bad Person!

If You Laugh At This...You Are Clearly A Bad Person!



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Ok I read this thread last night and enjoyed it so much I went in search of my best email jokes.....I hope you enjoy them to.

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross The

Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;






'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'


"Holy Prostitutes"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:


He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:




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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............



No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts..

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
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The Joy of Call Centres

An old lady rang her bank and a man, obviously from an Indian call centre, replied.

"Is that the High Street branch?"

"No, Madam, it's now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally."

"Well I really need to speak to the branch."

"If you'll just let me know your query I'm sure I can help you."

"I don't think you can, young man, I need to speak to the branch."

"There's nothing that the branch can help you with that can't be dealt with by me."

"OK. Can you just check on the counter. I think I've left my gloves behind."
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The the impotence of proofreading

The the impotence of proofreading
By Taylor Mali
Taylor Mali

Has this ever happened to you?
You work very, very horde on a paper for English clash
And still get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the liverwurst spoiler in the whale wide word
Yes, Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.

This is a problem that affects manly, manly students all over the word.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English torturer in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, she said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that
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Tough Scots

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
Scottish Business Owner

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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin
with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Scottish Business Owner

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Reasons to stay at work all night

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!
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Some short one's that were sent to me...made me laugh out loud...hey I'm easily pleased!!


Went to the doctors the other day,I said "doctor ,you've got to help me i keep having visions of the future."
He replied,"when did these start?"
I said "next Thursday!"

I went to the doctors suffering from constipation, I told him, "I haven't had a poo in 3 weeks, I just sit there, sometimes for hours, but nothing"
He asks, "have you taken anything?"
I replied, "only a book..."

I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said "Curry OK?"
I said "Go on then, one song then you can go away".

I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.
I never really got along with my real ladder.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Jokes that only work in Scotland...

I have toned them down and some will make you groan!!

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b******.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."


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A very oldie, but goodie:

Two Scotsmen looking in Greggs window:

First Scotsman; "Is that a cake or a meringue?"
Second Scotsman:" Naw, yer right. Its a cake."
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A very oldie, but goodie:

Two Scotsmen looking in Greggs window:

First Scotsman; "Is that a cake or a meringue?"
Second Scotsman:" Naw, yer right. Its a cake."

An oldie, but a classic, Jim...thanks for posting...made me laugh

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I see that the "credit crunch" is hitting Japan in quite a bad way. The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of it's branches. Insider reports say that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 office staff at the Karate Bank have got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.